Rule Breaker

It would be easier if there were rules. For me, anyway. Or maybe not. I'm not sure about much anymore. Grief has no recipe, no instruction although many have tried to give me the correct timeline and guide for how to do this journey properly.  Suggested books, gifts of workbooks, planned steps...and I guess at first I was excited to have a plan.  I'm a type A, oldest; following steps and guided instruction is my thing.

Until I realized there are no rules when it comes to grief.  Yes there are "stages," maybe, if you can recognize them when you're in them and you go through all five of them.  There are plenty of resources, definitely. But, everyone's personal grief journey is drastically different because each person has a separate relationship to their lost. I tried following the proper plan.  I was hopeful that it would draw this process to a swift, thorough close and we could all go on with our happy lives knowing that I did the hard work.  I put the time in, went through all five stages, finished the workbook and completed the journey.

But, I'm learning this journey is more complicated than that. I have my own grief journey workbook to write, and it's not for anyone else. I find great comfort in talking to other friends who have had similar losses, but my grief process may not work for them. Can we gather together, talk about our feelings, empathize with each other? Or course! I want that desperately. But, I will not push my personal grief journey upon them, as if we all have the same missing piece from our hearts. Theirs may be deeper, wider, more shallow, or obtuse.  Mine might be fresher, more razor sharp.

In the beginning, to borrow an illustration from a friend, I thought my canvas of grief would look precise, all colors would be coordinating and of course, stay in the lines. Almost like a paint by number.  But, now almost six months later, I can see that my piece is dark, abstract, messy and definitely outside of the lines.  I feel like painting far less than I expected I would.  I thought I would compose this grief canvas in a class with other artists, but I find myself creating this personal masterpiece much on my own, silently, away from the comforts of family and home.

I'm trying to be okay with breaking the rules.  It feels scary, very uncertain and unfamiliar.  What if I don't do this the right way? What if I miss a step and find myself having to go through it all over again in one year, five years, thirty years?  I guess, it doesn't have to mean I didn't do it right the first time. It could just mean that my heart needed to back to the studio and paint again.

Silver Lining

There is great humility in this season. This season of grief and pain when others who care about me in varying degrees are asking of me, pursuing me, considering my feelings.  I'm so very appreciative of this, the fact that these people even care to ask, because the alternative is worse: ignoring the obvious recent devastating loss of such an important figure in my life.  But, I'm finding that these interactions with others who do brave the unknown of my tumultuous emotions are tricky, at best, as people are kind enough to not ignore, yet uncomfortable enough that they cannot fully listen, either.

I usually hear something along these lines, quite clean and silver they are: "well, we can at least be thankful she isn't suffering any longer."  Or, "You can find comfort in the promise that you will see her again."  Or, "You have to just remember the good memories, and reflect on those when you are feeling sad."  Oh, and my favorite so far, "It's okay to to take a moment to cry, as long as you are alone and away from the kids."

Well, Hello, Grief. I didn't recognize you.

Two times now, a piece of me has left leaving a crushingly empty space in my soul.  I guess I thought I was familiar enough with grief that this wouldn't be that hard.  But, it is.  In a way, it's comforting for me to know how difficult this grief journey is for me; it means I really did intensely love my mom, that she really was an integral and permanent piece of who I am and who I will be.  That for as hard as our relationship felt at times,

Grieving What Wasn't

As mom's illness continues to evolve, my imaginations about her future can take a life of their own. Some nights I can find myself sitting at her dining room table with only my husband & kids, my sister and brother, and Dad celebrating a holiday feast.  Empty Chair.  Other afternoons, I imagine her healthy with a new head of freshly grown hair, and we're out shopping at Pottery Barn or some small local shop downtown Crystal Lake and she's bugging me about whether or not I want some of their furniture for our own house or asking me if I read the newspaper clipping about an old high school flame.  Depending on her health each day, I can find my mind going either direction, but to be truthful, I still end up grieving at the end of each story.

Mom and I haven't had the closest of relationships.

Help me in my unbelief...

"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe." Mark 9:23 Here's my struggle, and it isn't a new one.  I wrestled with this question quite deeply soon after we lost Anna, our first-born baby girl.  I read and reread the story of the father who had a demoniac son in Mark chapter 9 and questioned whether or not my faith, or lack thereof, could have in anyway affected the outcome of our story. Since that time I have realized how little I have to do with anything, really; it's the sin in my heart that tempts to make myself bigger than I am or the "point" of every narrative.  I struggle  to sit in the background, to acknowledge that God is sovereign above all things, and that really, I have nothing to do with much of anything; only to seek His glory above all else and serve him where he has me.  But, now that I'm in a place of pain again, a vulnerable place of prayer and petition for an outcome I so deeply desire,  I read the story in Mark 9 and get stuck on these words: "Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe..."

Distracted Grief

Emotions are hard.  I can't believe I'm actually writing that. I've always been a person very in tune with my feelings; I can feel my emotions and sometimes I even try to feel the emotions of people around me, although, I asure you, I have learned that's not really a good idea.  So, navigating this journey through my mom's illness has been extremely weird.  Things and people and family dynamics, they all get in the way of me being able to process all of my emotions, and then I'm just left going, "what is happening, here?"

I know I'm terribly sad, I know I'm angry and exhausted and confused and crushed, but why can't I let it out somewhere?  Why is that when I'm ready to cry my eyes out,

Drinking from a Fire Hose

So, it's been one month since I knew something was terribly wrong.  All I really remember is Dad cancelling a trip to meet us at the Milwaukee Zoo because he took Mom to the E.R. and something else about a high white blood count.

Thankful Tuesday

1. Tomorrow will be the THIRD day of Green Bay schools canceling this week due extreme, low temps and while I'm definitely annoyed that Tommy has been on holiday almost three entire weeks, I realize the fact that I don't notice the cold much means I'm sheltered, clothed, fed and warm. 

2.  I made it to CrossFit today which allowed me some time away from the kiddos and a chance to burn and strengthen these lazy muscles. 

3. DH and his job. What if he had been laid off and we couldn't pay our furnace bill?! 

4.  Netflix. For us and for the kids. 

5. New Christmas toys.  At least we have new things to pull out and play with!

6. An excuse (lazy days at home) to not really follow my decision to go strict with my clean eating. I've been enjoying my late morning chocolate and coffee and not feeling bad about it at all. What?!? 

7.  Our tickets and lodging is booked in Orlando in mid-March! Disney:  Something to look forward to and dread all at once. 

8. Our jacuzzi tub. 

9. Ted is home from work until the morning and I have something fun scheduled for the kiddos tomorrow. 

10.  Dinner is finished and was a success. Roasted Chicken & Veggies, a family favorite and never disappoints. 

Stay Warm! 

10 things I didn't know before having a kindergartener.

1.  I wouldn't cry the first day of school. 

2. I actually like packing lunches. 

3. That he would miss us so much, that he would begin walking up multiple times throughout a night just to solicit our attention and physical presence. 

4. That he was created as more of a social being than even I am. 

5. See # 4. Because of that, he would actually request to stay after school with his friends in "after-care" until they were all picked up 45 minutes later when the rest of school was let out for the day. 

6. He would bring home daily worksheets for homework, have a monthly reading & activity log, weekly memorization verses and have to memorize a hymn for the Christmas program. Whew!

7.  He is brilliant and he and I work very well together when given some time away from each other during the day. 

8. Although they miss each other, our new routine allows for sweet brotherly reunions in the afternoon and offers each an opportunity to have special time with momma every day. 

9. Our school routine makes me even fonder of Autumn than I already was. 

10. My baby is truly a big, big boy.  

My lightbulb moment.

I like people. I have friends. I could say I have a lot f friends, actually. I love staying busy. I love entertaining.  I stay busy often enough and usually with enough friends that I live under the illusion that I am not lonely.

I am lonely. Terribly.

Wordless Wednesday

Classic Roast Chicken and Vegetables

Okay, so ... let's just say it's been a while and not focus on the fact that I haven't allowed myself the time to sit down and write for over a year.  

To say that a lot has happened in this last year would be a dramatic understatement,

a few new favorites...

1. Hunger Games the Trilogy. It's been a long while since I've been into a book that intensely and I enjoyed every page!  Grab a copy. You won't regret it.
2. Crossfit Green Bay.  Sometimes I think I'm crazy and I'm pretty sure my friends would think I am, too.
3. Eating healthier because of our new exercise challenge has given me new places to look for recipes.  Ted and I agree that this Salmon with Coconut Cream Sauce recipe is a keeper. Hope you think so, too.
4. Coconut Oil. And not just for popcorn.
5. My new Sorel Winter boots; so warm.
6. The New Girl. Fox, Tuesday nights. Hilarious.
7. My hubby's new body. lol.  Crossfit works, I tell ya.
8. Dark Chocolate. Really not a new favorite, but I still thoroughly enjoy it and is one of the few treats for which I'll allow a daily indulgence. I bought DH a Chili infused Dark Bar for Valentine's day today. Turn up the heat!
9. Kindle Fire.  I do NOT enjoy fighting over it with my four-year old.
10. Running. Well, I don't hate it anymore, and for me, that's close to making it a new favorite.

Monday's Menu: Creamy, White Chicken Chili

When the temperature drops and the leaves begin to turn, there is nothing quite like a pot of hot chili, stew, or soup on the stove. I love this season, for oh so many reasons, but comfort food is definitely at the top of the list.  This recipe originally came from my boss' wife at my first job as an office manager for a dentist.  I have basically left it unchanged since she was generous enough to share it with me. And, here I will pass it on to you.  Make sure you grab a yummy salad and a nice, crusty Italian loaf to accompany...you will want to lick this bowl dry (and let's face it, using bread to do this for your tongue is a bit more culturally acceptable.)

• 1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into bite-size pieces
• 1 medium white onion, diced
• 1 1/2 TBS. garlic powder
• 1 TBS. canola oil
• 2 cans great northern beans, rinsed and drained
• 1 can chicken broth (14.5 oz)
• 2 cans green chiles (4 oz each)
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 tsp. dried oregano
• 1/2 tsp. black pepper
• 1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1/2 cup whipping cream

Saute chicken, onion and garlic powder in oil. 

Add beans, broth, chiles and seasonings.

Bring mixture to a boil, then reduce heat to a low simmer.

Simmer uncovered for 30 minutes.

 

Remove from heat. Stir in sour cream and cream and serve immediately.

 

Bon Apetit!

Monday's Menu: Easy, Easy Shrimp Tacos

Shrimp Tacos by Frontera
If you can find this delectable kitchen helper in your local grocer, pick up at least two or three! Since I found the Rick Bayless Frontera line of products, we have incorporated them into our weekly menus at home. How can I not, when they provide such great, authentic Mexican flavor at a reasonable cost, and are so, super easy.  If you like seafood, check these bad boys out.

I simply follow the directions on the back of the sauce packet, but you'll need to know this beforehand if you don't carry them regularly in your pantry/freezer.

• Frozen shrimp (don't buy the jumbo kind, they won't fit in a small taco tortilla)
• fresh Poblano peppers (1 or 2 depending on size)
• sweet or yellow onion

Thinly slice the pepper and onion and saute in a TBS. or vegetable oil.  Add the thawed shrimp, and cover in Key-Lime, Cilantro sauce from Frontera products.  Amazing! I usually serve with some freshly baked cornbread and a black bean, garden pepper salad with corn, avocado, cilantro and red onion.

So freshly delish!

Ten Things Thursday: Ten Reasons to LOVE Farmer's Markets

1. Shopping in the open air...there's something Euro-Romantic about buying vegetables and fresh herbs with the sun shining on your back.
2. People watching! Who knew Green Bay had such diversity?
3. Admiring the creativity of others. Like my friend Bethany who started her own little biz, Larky Park. Check them out!
4. Memories with my son. He loved getting fresh root beer from one of the local breweries. He was a sticky mess afterwards, though!
5. The colors! I loved seeing the piles of tomatoes, carrots, green beans, blueberries, raspberries, bi-color sweet corn....ah. It was a festival for the eyes.
6. Yummy treats. Like, fresh spring rolls from the Thai restaurant, or fresh sliced/fried potato chips, kettle corn, smoothies.  Delish.
7. Walking in the local Broadway shops. I never take the time to go downtown to peruse the boutiques there, and it was neat to see what they look like on the inside! Unique stuff.
8. Meeting up with DH for a family affair. He works only a few miles down Broadway, so it's a great place to meet him on a Wednesday evening.
9. Bartering. I love negotiating. In my mind, open-air markets welcome a little bantering before buying.  It gets my juices flowing.
10. Arriving home with my fresh purchases and challenging myself to a little creativity of my own. Now, what will I do with this large bunch of Sweet Basil I bought for only $1.00? Pesto, Bruschetta, Spaghetti sauce...? The opportunities await.

Happy Shopping!

Wordless Wednesday

Monday's Menu: Marinated Grilled Flank Steak

This flank steak recipe was one I remember eating often at family dinners.  It was one of the recipes I received at my wedding shower from my mom, and now it is worn and stained after 9 years of making it in our home.  I love making steak fajitas with any leftovers.  Hope you enjoy!

• juice of one lemon
• 1/2 c. soy sauce
• 1/4 c. dry red wine
• 3 T. oil (canola, or extra virgin olive)
• 2 T. worcestershire sauce
• 1 large garlic cove, minced
• chopped green onion
• pepper to taste

Cover steak and let marinade for 2-12 hours.  Grill for 4-6 minutes per side over high heat.  

Bon Apetit!

Monday's Menu: Rosemary-Lemon Grilled Chicken

Since I love cooking, I've decided to share some of my favorite recipes.  I am not a chef because I am really terrible at creating a meal with no direction from someone who has successfully created it before and left me step by step direction.  I can however, follow a recipe to the "t" and it usually turns out as expected. Some are fantastic, and some are simply good, and very few are worth sharing.

This recipe I tasted for the first time last night, and I didn't even do the preparation!  We had just returned from a weekend trip to the Twin Cities and I agreed to overnight baby-sit a girlfriend's 14 month old;  as a thank-you, she brought over dinner for us, ready to grill.  It was delicious and I think I'll actually be making it again this weekend because it was so good.

Rosemary Lemon Grilled Chicken (All Recipes.Com)

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/2 cup fresh rosemary
• 3 cloves garlic
• 1 lemon, zested
• 1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
• 4 bone-in chicken breasts
• salt and pepper to taste

Directions

1. In a food processor, thoroughly blend together the butter, rosemary, garlic, lemon zest, and lemon juice. Pour 1/3 of blended mixture into a small bowl for marinade. Cover remaining mixture, and set aside.
2. Lightly season chicken breasts with salt and pepper. Rub chicken breasts with the marinade mixture. Place chicken breasts on a platter, cover, and refrigerate 3 hours.
3. Preheat an outdoor grill for high heat and lightly oil grate. Pour half of the reserved rosemary and lemon mixture into a bowl for basting. Cover remaining mixture, and set aside for topping cooked chicken.
4. Grill chicken breasts 4 minutes on each side, basting with rosemary and lemon basting mixture. Remove chicken breasts from grill, and top with small scoops of the remaining topping mixture.

Nutritional Information 

Amount Per Serving  Calories: 331 | Total Fat: 17.6g | Cholesterol: 140mg

Wordless Wednessday