Silver Lining

There is great humility in this season. This season of grief and pain when others who care about me in varying degrees are asking of me, pursuing me, considering my feelings.  I'm so very appreciative of this, the fact that these people even care to ask, because the alternative is worse: ignoring the obvious recent devastating loss of such an important figure in my life.  But, I'm finding that these interactions with others who do brave the unknown of my tumultuous emotions are tricky, at best, as people are kind enough to not ignore, yet uncomfortable enough that they cannot fully listen, either.

I usually hear something along these lines, quite clean and silver they are: "well, we can at least be thankful she isn't suffering any longer."  Or, "You can find comfort in the promise that you will see her again."  Or, "You have to just remember the good memories, and reflect on those when you are feeling sad."  Oh, and my favorite so far, "It's okay to to take a moment to cry, as long as you are alone and away from the kids."

Well, Hello, Grief. I didn't recognize you.

Two times now, a piece of me has left leaving a crushingly empty space in my soul.  I guess I thought I was familiar enough with grief that this wouldn't be that hard.  But, it is.  In a way, it's comforting for me to know how difficult this grief journey is for me; it means I really did intensely love my mom, that she really was an integral and permanent piece of who I am and who I will be.  That for as hard as our relationship felt at times,

Drinking from a Fire Hose

So, it's been one month since I knew something was terribly wrong.  All I really remember is Dad cancelling a trip to meet us at the Milwaukee Zoo because he took Mom to the E.R. and something else about a high white blood count.

Best wishes for a Happy Mother's Day...

Mother's Day...
I have pretty mixed emotions about this particular day of the year. My husband went shopping with T the other night, and today delivered my gift: A DVD Season 2 compliation of one of my all-time favorite sit-com/dramas, "Scrubs." It was thoughtful, because he knows how sad I am that my beloved characters are off the air as of this season, but, I felt myself longing for something a bit more...I don't know, heartfelt.

But, that's my problem with pre-scheduled, "hallmark" holidays. I have these expectations that always get in the way of really, truly appreciating the gifts from those I love and the thought they put into them. Maybe it has something to do with Love Languages (mine is NOT gifts, I'm pretty sure) or maybe the root of it is simply my own self-centerdness and my sinful desire to have everyone in my house love me as much as I do...

Really, all I want for Mother's day is some quality time with my boys, a visit to Anna's grave with them, and some heartfelt loving words and a hug from my little T & husband. I expect that hubby should know this and already have it planned, but in reality (now, sit down girls), Men actually CAN'T read our minds. I know, I know, shocker.

If you're a mom, enjoy your special day of the year when its actually scheduled on the Western calendar to honor you and thank you. If you're not, or are wishing you were (I know this day is miserable for you, especially), then give your mom what she really wants...a great big HUG and a heartfelt word of love.

Wow...Two is fun, different and exhausting!

Well, today I had the honor and privelege of watching my favorite neice, M! She and T are down napping right now, but to get them there was a hoot! My favorite snippet involves a toilet, a wet Dora pull-up, and a crawling little boy coming to see what all the fuss is about. He, of course, needed to sniff and taste the pretty, pink, wet, diaper. Yuck.

Holy man, two toddlers are a handful. It makes me wonder how some of my friends with 4 kiddos under the age of 5 ever do it. MckMama, for one is quite inspiring. By the Grace of a very Good God, I assume. And a lot of patience...yeah, that I should probably keep working on that.

The crazy thing is that M is actually the age that Anna would have been. I was due with Anna four days later than my sister-in-law was due with M. Anna, of course, came early but M was right on time. Every minute I spend with my niece is a gift, and I am so thankful that she was born a girl. I guess some might think that I look at her and greive Anna every day, but I don't. Is that stange? I look at her and think of how Soveriegn our LORD is, and ponder all the things I know I will never understand on this Earth.

Well, while I have a few precious moments of quiet in this house, I should do some laundry.
Toodles.

Baby Malachi

I'm terribly upset.
I wanted to know more about President Elect Obama's historical views and stands on abortion so I began a search on the internet to learn. I found myself on a pro-life website that had pictures of an aborted child, 21 weeks, available for viewing. It took me to precious memories of the few, brief minutes we had to hold our baby, Anna, who we lost in-utero at 26 weeks. We delivered her in a stillbirth the following day, and she was beautiful and perfectly formed. She was not much bigger than Baby Malachi, and it angers me that this awful destruction of life is being promoted from the head of Government.
I am so saddened. I miss my baby girl.