Reverse Hypocrisy

Recently, one of my incredible and amazing high-school Young Life girls from years past received an engagement ring and is getting married. I'm thrilled for her; she has been blessed with a God-fearing young man to pursue her hand and they have been nothing but diligent in pursuing His will for their lives together. I feel like a proud mother, so invested in her life for a compact period of her high school career, that her joys and happiness make me feel giddy and joy-filled myself. 

As I've been reflecting on those former years of our our friendship, I'm reminded of regular truth-processing conversations; me instilling in her a knowledge of God's love, his assurance of salvation for those who trust in Jesus and how deeply he cares for her and all the details of her life. 

Truth. It is the truth. I know and understand His deep promises, that is I seem to understand them for those I love. But, as I sit here in a quiet Starbucks reflecting on whether or not I really, truly believe my God cares that deeply for me or knows intimately every detail of my life, my anxieties, my failures, my family....I don't know if I can claim the same assurance of such a love. 

I feel like a wounded child. I'm hurting and broken, untrusting and uncertain if my life's details really matter to God anymore. The hardest part of this Internal Spiritual battle is that I know how God responds to my fears and wavering faith. I can hear myself reassuring a hurting friend or young believer of how God sometimes uses trials to strengthen us, that we may never understand or truly know while on this earth the reasons why, but that God does intend these sufferings for His Glory. I can recall the scriptures and memory verses reminding me of the truth, but alone in my pain the temptation to shrug my shoulders and say, "I just don't know, anymore" is overwhelming. 

How can I know and believe the incredible truth of God's story of rescue and redemption for others, but not count these promises valid for myself? Who am I that I believe God doesn't write bogus promises for others but cannot trust his promises for myself? What type of backwards hypocrisy is that? 

Help me in my unbelief...

"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe." Mark 9:23 Here's my struggle, and it isn't a new one.  I wrestled with this question quite deeply soon after we lost Anna, our first-born baby girl.  I read and reread the story of the father who had a demoniac son in Mark chapter 9 and questioned whether or not my faith, or lack thereof, could have in anyway affected the outcome of our story. Since that time I have realized how little I have to do with anything, really; it's the sin in my heart that tempts to make myself bigger than I am or the "point" of every narrative.  I struggle  to sit in the background, to acknowledge that God is sovereign above all things, and that really, I have nothing to do with much of anything; only to seek His glory above all else and serve him where he has me.  But, now that I'm in a place of pain again, a vulnerable place of prayer and petition for an outcome I so deeply desire,  I read the story in Mark 9 and get stuck on these words: "Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe..."

Drinking from a Fire Hose

So, it's been one month since I knew something was terribly wrong.  All I really remember is Dad cancelling a trip to meet us at the Milwaukee Zoo because he took Mom to the E.R. and something else about a high white blood count.

One Minute Writer: Imitate

Short answer: Jesus.
But, I know that because he was sinless, and I am sinful, that will never happen. The wonderful news of the gospel is that God the Father sees me as righteous as Christ is, because I am covered by the blood Jesus shed on the Cross. Alleluia!