Grieving What Wasn't

As mom's illness continues to evolve, my imaginations about her future can take a life of their own. Some nights I can find myself sitting at her dining room table with only my husband & kids, my sister and brother, and Dad celebrating a holiday feast.  Empty Chair.  Other afternoons, I imagine her healthy with a new head of freshly grown hair, and we're out shopping at Pottery Barn or some small local shop downtown Crystal Lake and she's bugging me about whether or not I want some of their furniture for our own house or asking me if I read the newspaper clipping about an old high school flame.  Depending on her health each day, I can find my mind going either direction, but to be truthful, I still end up grieving at the end of each story.

Mom and I haven't had the closest of relationships.

Help me in my unbelief...

"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe." Mark 9:23 Here's my struggle, and it isn't a new one.  I wrestled with this question quite deeply soon after we lost Anna, our first-born baby girl.  I read and reread the story of the father who had a demoniac son in Mark chapter 9 and questioned whether or not my faith, or lack thereof, could have in anyway affected the outcome of our story. Since that time I have realized how little I have to do with anything, really; it's the sin in my heart that tempts to make myself bigger than I am or the "point" of every narrative.  I struggle  to sit in the background, to acknowledge that God is sovereign above all things, and that really, I have nothing to do with much of anything; only to seek His glory above all else and serve him where he has me.  But, now that I'm in a place of pain again, a vulnerable place of prayer and petition for an outcome I so deeply desire,  I read the story in Mark 9 and get stuck on these words: "Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe..."

Distracted Grief

Emotions are hard.  I can't believe I'm actually writing that. I've always been a person very in tune with my feelings; I can feel my emotions and sometimes I even try to feel the emotions of people around me, although, I asure you, I have learned that's not really a good idea.  So, navigating this journey through my mom's illness has been extremely weird.  Things and people and family dynamics, they all get in the way of me being able to process all of my emotions, and then I'm just left going, "what is happening, here?"

I know I'm terribly sad, I know I'm angry and exhausted and confused and crushed, but why can't I let it out somewhere?  Why is that when I'm ready to cry my eyes out,

Drinking from a Fire Hose

So, it's been one month since I knew something was terribly wrong.  All I really remember is Dad cancelling a trip to meet us at the Milwaukee Zoo because he took Mom to the E.R. and something else about a high white blood count.