Silver Lining

There is great humility in this season. This season of grief and pain when others who care about me in varying degrees are asking of me, pursuing me, considering my feelings.  I'm so very appreciative of this, the fact that these people even care to ask, because the alternative is worse: ignoring the obvious recent devastating loss of such an important figure in my life.  But, I'm finding that these interactions with others who do brave the unknown of my tumultuous emotions are tricky, at best, as people are kind enough to not ignore, yet uncomfortable enough that they cannot fully listen, either.

I usually hear something along these lines, quite clean and silver they are: "well, we can at least be thankful she isn't suffering any longer."  Or, "You can find comfort in the promise that you will see her again."  Or, "You have to just remember the good memories, and reflect on those when you are feeling sad."  Oh, and my favorite so far, "It's okay to to take a moment to cry, as long as you are alone and away from the kids."

Help me in my unbelief...

"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe." Mark 9:23 Here's my struggle, and it isn't a new one.  I wrestled with this question quite deeply soon after we lost Anna, our first-born baby girl.  I read and reread the story of the father who had a demoniac son in Mark chapter 9 and questioned whether or not my faith, or lack thereof, could have in anyway affected the outcome of our story. Since that time I have realized how little I have to do with anything, really; it's the sin in my heart that tempts to make myself bigger than I am or the "point" of every narrative.  I struggle  to sit in the background, to acknowledge that God is sovereign above all things, and that really, I have nothing to do with much of anything; only to seek His glory above all else and serve him where he has me.  But, now that I'm in a place of pain again, a vulnerable place of prayer and petition for an outcome I so deeply desire,  I read the story in Mark 9 and get stuck on these words: "Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe..."