Grieving What Wasn't

As mom's illness continues to evolve, my imaginations about her future can take a life of their own. Some nights I can find myself sitting at her dining room table with only my husband & kids, my sister and brother, and Dad celebrating a holiday feast.  Empty Chair.  Other afternoons, I imagine her healthy with a new head of freshly grown hair, and we're out shopping at Pottery Barn or some small local shop downtown Crystal Lake and she's bugging me about whether or not I want some of their furniture for our own house or asking me if I read the newspaper clipping about an old high school flame.  Depending on her health each day, I can find my mind going either direction, but to be truthful, I still end up grieving at the end of each story.

Mom and I haven't had the closest of relationships.

Distracted Grief

Emotions are hard.  I can't believe I'm actually writing that. I've always been a person very in tune with my feelings; I can feel my emotions and sometimes I even try to feel the emotions of people around me, although, I asure you, I have learned that's not really a good idea.  So, navigating this journey through my mom's illness has been extremely weird.  Things and people and family dynamics, they all get in the way of me being able to process all of my emotions, and then I'm just left going, "what is happening, here?"

I know I'm terribly sad, I know I'm angry and exhausted and confused and crushed, but why can't I let it out somewhere?  Why is that when I'm ready to cry my eyes out,