My lightbulb moment.

I like people. I have friends. I could say I have a lot f friends, actually. I love staying busy. I love entertaining.  I stay busy often enough and usually with enough friends that I live under the illusion that I am not lonely.

I am lonely. Terribly.

How can I be lonely? People have told me that they know I have at least 75 friends. My calendar is full. I call people to hang out before the possibility of a quiet moment can exist, because I'm afraid. Afraid no one will call me.  Our weekends usually have at least one or two social commitments. I scheduled 95% of these times.  We laugh a lot. I share myself with others easily.  Probably too easily. 

See, I assume that when I share my vulnerable self with you, you will share yourself with me. I have no problem putting myself out there. I'm not very guarded.  But, here's the thing. After sharing my true self with almost everyone of my "friends" and not feeling the intimacy that true friendship requires, I'm realizing that I really only have one or two friends. Ones who will go "there" with me. Who will speak truth, challenge or encourage me and will want that for themselves, too. 

I desire intimacy. Daily. Friends aren't cutting it. Surface relationships are seemingly a waste of time. True female friendship is exceedingly rare on my calendar because we are Mommas, wives, or employees, too. Our lives are too busy to give each other the gift of of intimacy as much as our hearts were created to need it. 

So, I had a light bulb moment today. No Fall bible study for me this year. No in-authentic, surface-y prayer times. No fill-in the empty calendar with play-dates to create the illusion of community and fellowship. I am done pretending. 

I've been craving intimacy for a while now.  And, maybe once I stop filling my time with agreeable people, I can actually have that desired intimacy with the only One who knows how much I need it. 

I am lonely. It scares me to have an open calendar. But, I believe that there is a God who won't let me down if give him my heart and my time. I'm counting on it.