Sunday, September 28, 2014

Help me in my unbelief...


"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe."
Mark 9:23

Here's my struggle, and it isn't a new one.  I wrestled with this question quite deeply soon after we lost Anna, our first-born baby girl.  I read and reread the story of the father who had a demoniac son in Mark chapter 9 and questioned whether or not my faith, or lack thereof, could have in anyway affected the outcome of our story.

Since that time I have realized how little I have to do with anything, really; it's the sin in my heart that tempts to make myself bigger than I am or the "point" of every narrative.  I struggle  to sit in the background, to acknowledge that God is sovereign above all things, and that really, I have nothing to do with much of anything; only to seek His glory above all else and serve him where he has me.  But, now that I'm in a place of pain again, a vulnerable place of prayer and petition for an outcome I so deeply desire,  I read the story in Mark 9 and get stuck on these words: "Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe..."


How much does my belief that God can do everything and anything, even in the face of unbeatable odds, depressing lab reports, or persistant cancer, chronic pain, wounded marriages, or years of infertility -- how much can my faith change the outcome of the story?  Or does it have any contribution to the story at all?  Does my belief that God can really work a miracle matter?  Does my doubt and struggle to have faith change the way God views the finale of this journey?  Is there a finale even, or do we only get the privilege of seeing the first act, so to speak, of this whole traumatic drama playing itself out?

There are many Christian teachers who would have me think that the amount of my faith directly impacts the amount of my suffering (i.e. health, wealth prosperity thelology). To be sure, I don't believe this line of thinking to be true at all; however, the way Jesus speaks to the father in this story has me considering that my faith in God to do incredible things still truly, deeply matters.  Jesus wants this father to trust that he can indeed do what he says he can do - heal his son.  Jesus wants me to believe, to trust, to have faith that he is able to do anything that I ask of him. But, if I do ask with sincere faith, does that mean that he will?  It seems that if this were the case, Jesus wouldn't be much more than a machine, administering gifts to those who prove faith with their request!  Do I even want to worship a God who would work like that?

 Maybe, the bigger question is: do I trust that Jesus absolutely loves me to the core of my being and if I do, then do I love him in return?  Do I love him enough to want what he wants? Do I believe that above all things, he wants the Father to be glorified?  Can I rest and be still knowing that I probably won't get to know or understand the final scene of the story until I'm with him in eternal glory?

I realize I asked way more questions in this blog post than I ever answered, but sometimes processing through big questions is how God reveals His peace.  The truth is, I wish I did have more faith right now.  I wish I had more hope and optimism as I look forward into my mom's future...but somedays, honestly, I struggle.  I struggle big-time.  I am too scared to have hope, because hope to me is innocent expectations for a desired outcome and that sounds risky.  It makes more sense to me to manage my expectations from the beginning: set them low, so if I don't see the outcome I had wanted, at least I kind of expected it to go down like that.

But,  what really is the gain to looking at life like this?  Let's say my expectations are in fact, unmet; how much better is my life knowing that I didn't allow my heart to open and dream big?  Is my life better because I dared not to hope?  Or, maybe, if I allowed my fearful heart to believe, to put faith in the sovereignty of the unknown, there is infinitely more peace and less disappointment because I shared in a beautiful communion with the Father, a practice of trust and prayer, faith and hope.

All I know, is that my life is small. But still, it matters to God.  He cares about the things that weigh on my heart and he desires deeply to remove my burden.  What would it take for me to simply allow him the right to hear my fears, my concerns, my heartbreak and to allow him the right to be sovereign over all things; believing that ultimately it was his right from the beginning!?  I am simply here to be a witness to his Story, to bring him glory as best I can until I understand it all, not in part, but in whole.

Lord, give me faith to believe; help me in my unbelief.

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