As I've been reflecting on those former years of our our friendship, I'm reminded of regular truth-processing conversations; me instilling in her a knowledge of God's love, his assurance of salvation for those who trust in Jesus and how deeply he cares for her and all the details of her life.
Truth. It is the truth. I know and understand His deep promises, that is I seem to understand them for those I love. But, as I sit here in a quiet Starbucks reflecting on whether or not I really, truly believe my God cares that deeply for me or knows intimately every detail of my life, my anxieties, my failures, my family....I don't know if I can claim the same assurance of such a love.
I feel like a wounded child. I'm hurting and broken, untrusting and uncertain if my life's details really matter to God anymore. The hardest part of this Internal Spiritual battle is that I know how God responds to my fears and wavering faith. I can hear myself reassuring a hurting friend or young believer of how God sometimes uses trials to strengthen us, that we may never understand or truly know while on this earth the reasons why, but that God does intend these sufferings for His Glory. I can recall the scriptures and memory verses reminding me of the truth, but alone in my pain the temptation to shrug my shoulders and say, "I just don't know, anymore" is overwhelming.
How can I know and believe the incredible truth of God's story of rescue and redemption for others, but not count these promises valid for myself? Who am I that I believe God doesn't write bogus promises for others but cannot trust his promises for myself? What type of backwards hypocrisy is that?